Dirt Crusade

A series of events that took place after the creation of the Jar of Dirt involving Sellbub Schmidtus and Listener Jojicius.

Background
After Listener Jojicius created the Jar of Dirt as a prize for the Grand Competition, people began to worship the Jar more than the Dirt. One man, Sellbub Schmidtus began to amass an army of heretics who saw the Jar as more important than the Dirt, thus the Cult of Jar was formed. Jojicius saw this as an attack on the beliefs of the Church of Dirt and knew that the Cult of Jar must be stopped.

The Battle of the Grand Cathedral of Dirt
With his quickly formed army of heretics, the Cult of Jar began to march upon the Grand Cathedral of Dirt as they had learned that the Jars were being created here, within the Dirt Chambers. Listener Jojicius barely had time to react before the Cult of Jar was trying to break down the doors to the Grand Cathedral. Outnumbered, Jojicius knew he had little time before they broke through into the Cathedral and so he quickly ran to the Dirt Chambers where the jars were kept. He ordered his Few Good Men to carry the Jars of Dirt up into the tower that overlooked the entrance to the Cathedral. They then set fire to the Jars of Dirt and chucked them upon the heretics, burning them in a fiery inferno. The remaining heretics watched in horror as their friends turned to Dirt and fled, following Sellbub Schmidtus to his hideout so that they could plot their next attack on the Church of Dirt to take back the Jars.

Pursuit of Happiness
Listener Jojicius had to find out where the heretics were hiding and so tasked one man, Whisperer Opus with the mission of learning the location of Sellbub Schmidtus and the Cult of Jar, codenamed the ‘Pursuit of Happiness’. Swiftly, Opus rode in pursuit of the heretics and followed their tracks to the outskirts of town. The area was completely vandalised with drawings of Jars in the Dirt and Dirt scattered aimlessly everywhere. An eyewitness recounted that,’''the Cult of Jar is out of control, they worship the Jar more than the Dirt and have been using it for obscene, sexual acts. A couple of days earlier, I had seen a heretic put a Jar of Dirt up his anus and then clenching on it until it smashed. He seemed so happy whilst doing it and I remember him pulling out one of the shards and licking it, whilst smiling like he had some new found power.''’

Whisperer Opus entered one of the houses and found on the floor one of Schmidtus’ lieutenants who was squatting on one of the Jars of Dirt. The lieutenant looked at Opus as he clenched his sphincter muscles together, shattering the Jar into a million pieces invigorating the lieutenant. Opus remembered his training from Listener Jojicius, ‘Eyes, Throat, Genitals’ and immediately jabbed the lieutenant’s eyes with his right hand before punching his throat with his left fist. Opus then kneed the lieutenant in the genitals, however, he felt no pain. The sensation in the lieutenant’s was so much that he couldn’t feel any other pain as he began to pull one of the shards of Jar out of his anus. The lieutenant then slashed Opus across his chest with the shard, taking his nipple clean off, prompting Opus to grab his arm and snap it across his knee, disarming him. Opus picked up the shard and began to viciously stab the lieutenant whilst chanting,’ ''I am one with the Dirt and the Dirt is with me. There is nothing but Dirt.''’ After he had stabbed him 22 times in 15 different places, the lieutenant finally gave up and told Opus the location of Sellbub Schmidtus and the heretic army.

Opus had to make sure that this information was true and set off for the compound that the lieutenant had told him about and arrived at the high walls. There was no time for enhanced reconnaissance, so Opus had to enter the compound by digging through the Dirt walls. As he entered the compound, Opus saw a courtyard filled with around 200 heretics all squatting over their own Jars of Dirt, clenching them and shattering them, invigorating them with power. Sellbub Schmidtus watched over the courtyard from a balcony and spotted Whisperer Opus spying on the heretics. Schmidtus alerted the heretic army who began to surround Opus whilst blood dripped out of their rectums. Opus could not escape but knew that he had to complete his mission, he quickly cut off 2 of his fingers and ground them up into Dirt, releasing them to the Dirt on the Wind, hoping that Listener Jojicius was listening to it. Opus had now completed his Pursuit for Happiness and decided to take down as many of this heretic scum as he could.

Opus grabbed Dirt from the floor whilst saying ‘There is only Dirt’ and threw it in the eyes of the heretics, blinding some of them, however, more kept on coming. Opus began to chant ‘I am one with the Dirt and the Dirt is with me’ and on the fifth chant, the heretics closest to him turned to Dirt. Some of the heretics then realised that maybe Dirt was more important than the Jar, however, Schmidtus ordered them all to carry on fighting and eventually the remaining heretics overcame Opus, stabbing him multiple times with their glass shards before he turned to a pile of Dirt.

The Flood
Listener Jojicius had to take advantage of the disarray of the heretics as they fled the Grand Cathedral and returned to his Dirt Chamber with a Few Good Men. Jojicius order his Few Good Men to empty the remaining Jars of Dirt and fill them with Water from the sacred underground Spring that originated from the Dirt Chamber. Jojicius and a Few Good Men then set off on horseback after hearing of the location of Schmidtus’ hideout from the Dirt on the Wind.

They arrived at a cliff, overlooking the compound and Jojicius remarked upon the scene he saw below him. ‘Whisperer Opus’ dirt lay scattered across the ground of the compound, surrounded by a mixture of at least 100 corpses and Dirt from the heretic army.’ Jojicius and a Few Good Men geared up, attaching themselves to hang gliders and grabbing Jars of Water. The Few Good Men jumped from the cliff first, gliding over the compound dropping the Jars of water turning the dry Dirt into dangerous, wet mud, causing the whole compound to collapse in on itself. The heretics were covered mud and many of them began to suffocate as mudslides continued throughout the compound. Jojicius then took off from the cliff, riding on the Dirt on the Wind, a Golden Eagle was flying next to him. Jojicius swooped down and grabbed Sellbub Schmidtus so that he could be punished for his crimes against the Church of Dirt.

The Aftermath
Mudslides occurred for 3 days around the outskirts of the Capitel after the Flood and remaining Jar heretics were hunted down by the Few Good Men. Sellbub Schmidtus was then paraded round the streets of the Capitel, naked with a shattered jar stuck in his anus. He was made to keep walking until he bled out from the gashes in his anus at which point he was ground into Dirt and scattered in the ocean so that a shrine couldn’t be erected to Sellbub Schmidtus. To honour the actions of Whisperer Opus, his Dirt was taken and made into a statue which stands outside the Grand Cathedral of Dirt. In remembrance of the victory against the Cult of Jar, Listener Jojicius ordered a new event that takes place during the Grand Competiion in which each town in the kingdom would take their most hated person and shatter a Jar of Dirt in their anus. This was a 3 day long event in which these people were made to stand in an arena, bleeding out from the anus wounds, with no food and no water until all but one died. The survivor of this event had the reward of being ground up into Dirt and scattered into the same ocean that Sellbub Schmidtus was in memory of the actions taken that day.